Almost Straight Read online

  I sat in silence, unsure of what to say. Maybe she was right, but my feelings for her were too strong to hide. Maybe the intensity was making me blind. Maybe I did screw up and throw away my future. But I still couldn’t find it in me to care.

  “And I find it ridiculous that you can get all cozy with a known lesbian in the middle of English class but you can’t admit to yourself you might be bisexual.” Frustration leaked into her voice.

  I knew it bothered her, but couldn’t she see this as a big step in the direction she wanted for us? I was so confused.

  “What would God think about what you just did?” she asked, bitterly.

  I let loose a grunt. She had to bring that up. It felt like she was throwing it in my face, to be mean and spiteful. I wanted to scream “fuck you” and storm away, but fear kept me in place. What if she was right? What if I not only messed up my reputation at school, but also my salvation with God? I mean, I could’ve justified what we’d done until now as experimenting, but now that I’d done it in public, it made it more...real.

  Tears pricked my eyes. I was so lost. Because even knowing all that – my reputation might be ruined, God might hate me, my parents might even find out – I still would’ve done it again.

  Liv looked at me, read the conflict on my face. Her eyes softened. “I’m not mad at you, Audrey. I’m just worried for you. And I’m not embarrassed of you. If I felt it was safe, I’d hold your hand all day and kiss you in between classes like the football players do with their girlfriends. I just don’t want to drag you down with me. I care about you too much for that.”

  “I’m so confused,” I mumbled.

  She put her arm around my shoulders. “I know. And it’s all my fault.”

  I managed to hold my tears back, even when she kissed my head so tenderly it warmed me to my toes.

  “I know it seems like I’m all about being out and proud, and I am, but… For you?” She sighed. “You have a lot more to lose. I have my mom. What will your parents do if they found out? I don’t want to ruin your life. I’m not worth it.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  Without a word, she took her arm away and pulled out of the parking lot. “No, I’m not.”

  We drove to my house in silence, but I didn’t want to leave her yet. I felt like we had unfinished business and I wasn’t ready to be alone. How could she think she wasn’t worth me being outed for? I was fairly certain my feelings for her went beyond a crush now. Did she feel it too? Maybe she didn’t think I was worth being teased for.

  I pushed that idea away. No. I couldn’t get caught up in that. She’d done nothing to hint at being ashamed of me. Was her hesitation really about protecting me?

  When she reached my driveway, I turned to her. “Please come inside?”

  After a long look, she banged her head on the steering wheel a few times. “It’s not fair,” she growled.

  “What isn’t?”

  She stopped and peeked up at me. “How hard it is to resist you.”

  I smiled because I knew I won. “Come onnnn…” I tugged on her sleeve. “I’ll get us cookies?”

  Her eyes brightened.

  My mom was making a chicken pot pie in the kitchen when I asked if Liv and I could study in my room. The poor woman had no idea I’d been kissing my “study partner” the last few weeks. I only hoped my brother wouldn’t find out. If he did, I’d have to bribe him to keep quiet. At least, until I was ready to tell them myself. I snorted. Would I ever be ready for that?

  She agreed and I dragged Liv to my bedroom. Knowing my mom was downstairs made me too nervous to make out so we saved that for Liv’s house. Today though, I just wanted to be with her.

  We sat on my bed, books open, putting on a show in case my mom popped in.

  Liv gave me her signature smirk. “I’ll say one thing about what you did in English class. It was ballsy. Pretty soon you’re gonna start saying God is a girl. Or genderless, like me.”

  I laughed. She didn’t.

  “What do you mean you’re genderless?” I asked. “You look like a girl. You act like a...”

  “Yes?” She arched a brow.

  “Well, like you.”

  “Don’t let the long hair fool you. Inside I feel different. I wish I could cut my hair short. Or get a mohawk. But it would only make things worse with my dad. So I fake being a girl. It’s easier to fit in that way anyway.” She looked down at the bed. “Especially in a place like this.”

  Vulnerability leaked in again – she couldn’t hide it from me. Her brow creased and hesitantly, she asked, “Would you not like me anymore if I was butch?” I didn’t like hearing her voice so timid. I preferred her confident and strong because that was the Liv she should be. The one who didn’t care what people thought. Even me.

  “It doesn’t matter to me what you look like. You’ll always be you.”

  “What if I looked just like a boy?” Her eyes twinkled. “Would you feel straighter?”

  She gave my leg a playful push. She was teasing but it made me wonder. Would I feel all the way straight if she looked like a boy? Could I justify loving her then? Did that really change anything?

  Probably not because, honestly, I liked the girl parts of her. The softness, her sweet smell, the fragile side she let out only with me. It felt good and whole and right.

  “This is complicated,” I said on a sigh. “I wish everyone would just be like, ‘I like who I like and that’s that,’ and not care about gender.”

  She chuckled. “You and me both.”

  ***

  Gabby found us in the parking lot before school the next day. I knew she’d heard because her eyes narrowed with precision as she stomped toward us. She had one thing on her mind. Heterosexual righteousness.

  Liv snickered.

  I elbowed her.

  “Is what I heard on the bus true?” she demanded. Loudly.

  I peered around us. The parking lot was nearly empty but still. “Shhh!”

  “Are you two...” She leaned in and hissed more than whispered, “Together?”

  Wincing, I hesitated. God, word spread fast. It wasn’t even first period yet. “This isn’t the time or the place to talk about it.”

  “Fine.” She perched a hand on her hip. “Where and when do you want to do this?”

  Liv snorted. “What is this? A throw-down? A swap meet?”

  “Basement bathroom outside the orchestra hall,” I answered, chin raised. “After school.”

  “I’ll be there.” With a flourish, she added, “And so will God.”

  Then she stormed away.

  Nerves danced in my belly. Oh shit. What had I just agreed to? An intervention? An exorcism? And what was I about to walk into? Did the whole school know already?

  There were enough gay TV and movie characters to make it cool, right? It wasn’t that big of a deal.

  “Dude,” Liv said. “You gotta tell her to lay off the God stuff.”

  “She’s just doing what she thinks is right.” I couldn’t be too hard on Gabby because, well, I was Gabby, not long ago. And I knew her heart was in the right place. She wasn’t being a judgmental bitch – she was doing what she’d been taught to do to be a good friend. Pulling them from path of sin into righteousness. Or something. Honestly, I felt kind of bad for her.

  “It’s none of her business who you date.”

  “I know that but she’s trying to be a good friend. Shades of gray, remember? People don’t set out to be mean or evil. She’s doing what she’s been trained to do, how she’s been trained to think.”

  Liv shook her head and sighed. “This is gonna be your life. Now that you decided to come out in English class like an idiot.” I sent her a dirty look but she only laughed. “People will think it’s their right and duty to tell you what you’re doing is wrong.”

  I pictured it. My parents crying at prayer circle, asking where they went wrong. The kids at youth group holding signs that say Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. I pictured being the sermon of th
e week – Why Being Friends with Lesbians Turns You Gay.

  Maybe that was an exaggeration. I mean, I was still Audrey. I was still me. Who I happened to like romantically didn’t change that much. Did it?

  “So what do I do?”

  “Create boundaries.” She shrugged. “Tell them it’s none of their business.”

  I snorted. “Yeah right. In Freedom, everything is everyone’s business.”

  “Then we need to get out of here.”

  I smiled. I liked the way she said we.

  Chapter 12

  The hallway to my locker seemed ten times longer than usual. Keeping my gaze straight ahead, I walked. One foot in front of the other, I coached myself. Liv was at my side, but I couldn’t see her expression. I was too afraid to lose sight of my goal and panic.

  I could feel the heat of their stares through my thick coat. Beyond the looks of judgment was disgust so potent I wanted to run away and hide in my room. Like forever. Couldn’t I finish high school online or something?

  My heart thudded in my ears. My legs felt wobbly. Whispers circled around me, laughter, pointing – I felt like a member of a freak show. Only I wasn’t a freak.

  Even the kids I didn’t go to church with turned their noses up in moral superiority. Slurs were thrown in our faces, just loud enough for us to hear.

  I’d thought I was prepared, but nothing could prepare a person for this. People I’d never met, whose names I didn’t know, now knew my deepest secret. One I kept hidden even from myself.

  Liv had been right. This changed everything.

  I went from Audrey: average teenage girl with good grades and a boyfriend, to Audrey: LESBIAN.

  But I wasn’t a lesbian. Nobody cared about the truth though. They only cared about the rumors, like that I had girl sex in the basement bathroom. Never mind that I didn’t actually know what girl sex was, why would I want to do it in the nasty bathroom? People were so ridiculous.

  Finally, Liv swung around and yelled, “Get the fuck over yourselves! It’s the twenty first god damned century!”

  Wide-eyed, students fled the hallway, some giggling, some mumbling more insults. I may have been a little proud. That was my girlfriend flinging profanity in the school hallway.

  I made it to my locker as the warning bell rang. The hallway cleared, making me breathe a sigh of relief. Liv stayed by my side, even though she’d be late to class too. I felt like collapsing onto the floor. I leaned my forehead against my locker instead.

  Liv stroked her hand down my hair. “It’ll get easier.”

  That was hard to believe, but at least she wasn’t saying told you so.

  I banged my head against the locker a few times.

  “Hey.” She put her hand in my way. “No self-abuse. This isn’t the end of the world. It’s only high school. It’s supposed to be fucked up, right?”

  No. It was supposed to be the last carefree years of my life before I had to figure out who I was and what I wanted to be. I was supposed to go on dates to the movies, shop with girl friends, stay up late studying, make fashion statements, and contemplate the meaning of life. I was not supposed to be the butt of the school joke.

  “That was the last bell, girls,” a man said from down the hallway. “What are you still –”

  We both turned to see Mr. Lane – the gym teacher – stop in his tracks and look us over. His eyes narrowed. Liv pulled her hand away and took a step back.

  “We’re going now,” she told him.

  It was too late. “Go to the office,” he sneered, looking at us like the students just had – with thinly veiled disgust. “Both of you.” He took a booklet out of his back pocket and wrote on a slip of paper.

  The blood rushed from my head. I’d never been written up. Ever. I had the cleanest record in the whole school.

  “But... We’re just a little late,” I protested. “You can’t write us up for that.”

  Liv sighed.

  “You’re not in charge of this school, Miss Lucas,” he said. “You don’t make the rules.”

  He handed the slip to Liv, who’d stayed silent. And with one last glare, he turned and walked away.

  I was too flustered to talk. What the hell? I’d never been in trouble. Why was I being sent to the office for my first offense?

  “This isn’t fair!” I finally said.

  Liv turned toward the office and mumbled, “Welcome to the wonderful world of homophobia.”

  “What?” Stomping down the hallway, I caught up to her. “That was because of...”

  Without a word, she held up the slip of paper.

  Inappropriate PDA. Conduct unfitting of the school. Sexual harassment. Loitering in the hallway.

  Anger built in my chest like a storm. “What?” I yelled. “Sexual harassment? What the hell?”

  Liv looked unsurprised.

  “How could he even say that? We were just standing there!” I wanted to scream and punch something. “I’m telling Principle Locke. He’ll have to fire him. Or at least make him apologize.”

  Laughing humorlessly, Liv shook her head. “Don’t waste your time, hun. Not gonna help.”

  “Screw that.” I kicked an empty cup someone had discarded in the hallway. “This is not fair. It’s unjust and prejudiced and bigoted and...and...”

  “Life when you’re gay.”

  By the time we reached the office, I was seething with fury. Conduct unfitting of the school? What did that even mean? We were just standing there! My face was hot and every muscle tense with anger.

  Liv handed the note to the secretary then sat in one of the chairs we were directed to. But I couldn’t sit down. I was too upset. I paced a path across the office instead, fists clenched, while Liv looked on. She yawned.

  “Why aren’t you doing anything?” I demanded.

  “Like what? You can’t fight the system, Audrey. Not in a place like this.”

  “You haven’t even tried.”

  She shrugged. “Don’t have to. It’s been done before. Why do you think nobody is out in this school? Do you think it’s honestly because no one else is gay in this whole town?”

  I’d never thought about it.

  “They know. Just like I know.”

  “But you’re braver than that. That’s why you have the patch –”

  “I planned to keep to myself. I only have another year left. I can handle the bigotry.” Sighing, she let her head fall back against the wall. “If I had known about you, I never would’ve done it. The last thing I wanted to do was drag you into this.”

  Now I felt guilty she felt guilty. And outing us hadn’t been her idea. It’d been mine. So technically, I was responsible for this mess.

  Some of my anger deflated and I sunk down into the chair next to her. “I’m sorry. This is my fault.”

  “No, it’s not. You didn’t know.” She turned her head and gave me a lopsided smile. “You’re so optimistic about the world. I love that about you.” Her hand rested softly on my thigh. “But I should’ve warned you. There are consequences for people like us.”

  People like us. People like me. Gay and bisexual people. Like me.

  My stomach sunk. Tears welled in my eyes. I was so screwed. Were my parents going to find out now? Maybe I could convince them to move before the principal called. Like across the country.

  “Liv and Audrey.” Mrs. Peterson called us from her office doorway. She was the guidance counselor. Was she filling in for the principal? Was this better or worse?

  Dread filled me, cold and inevitable. Limbs numb, I forced myself to stand and walk into her office. The trek felt like eternity and I became more and more nauseous with each step. Thank god Liv was there or I wouldn’t have made it.

  Her office felt like a sauna and I was suffocating with fear.

  “I’m surprised to see you here, Audrey,” she said. Then she looked at Liv, with the unspoken message that she was unsurprised to see her. “What happened?”

  “Absolutely nothing,” I answered first. “We we
re running late and just standing at my locker while I got my books. Nothing else! I don’t know why Mr. Lane wrote any of that. The only part that’s true is that we were late.”

  She looked at Liv then back at me. “Why does it say PDA? Do you think Mr. Lane lied?”

  “I think he misunderstood,” I answered, being more careful now. “I was having a rough morning and Liv was just reassuring me to make me feel better. It wasn’t PDA.”

  Silently, she watched us, literally looking down her nose. And she had a big nose. Hair pulled tight in a bun, a pants suit, and red lipstick brought thoughts of some high-powered lawyer, not a school counselor in the middle of Farmville, USA.

  “Can I speak to Audrey alone, please?” She looked at Liv.

  Liv’s eyes widened for a fraction of a second before she snorted then walked out of the office. Shit.

  “You’re a good student, Audrey,” she said. “You get good grades. You have friends. I would think long and hard about what hanging out with someone like Olivia Beckett will do to your reputation. And possibly your future.”

  “Why? Because she’s gay?”

  “No. But spending time with her is what got you sent here.”

  I threw my hands out to the side. “We didn’t even do anything!”

  She studied me silently for a moment, making me squirm in my seat. “Are you two dating?”

  “I don’t see how it’s anyone’s business but...” I lied through my teeth to save my ass. “No. We’re not.”

  Her brow arched delicately.

  “This is discrimination,” I ranted. “I’m pretty sure the media would love to hear about how a public high school is being intolerant of students’ differences.” I narrowed my gaze, letting her see the seriousness in my eyes.

  From the hallway, I heard Liv swear under her breath.

  “First you were caught loitering in the hallway, and now you’re threatening the school?” She shifted in her seat. “This is definitely worth calling your parents about.”

  My stomach dropped.

  She saw my fear (I really had to work on my poker face) and she smiled. “Tell you what. Since this is your first offense, I’m going to write you a late pass and send you to class. I won’t call your parents. But I want you to seriously consider what I said.” Leaning in, she gave me a pointed look. “Okay?”