Almost Straight Page 7

  But I was glad Liv was in my life now, wasn’t I? Despite the questioning and internal torture she caused (through no fault of her own)?

  Picturing my life without her, even though we’d only known each other a short time, felt empty and wrong. I’d thought I’d loved my first boyfriend, Joshua, but compared to how I felt about Liv... Those feelings had barely scratched the surface. The connection and the chemistry were so much stronger – almost like some external force was pushing us together. God or the universe or fate. Did I even believe in that? Worrying about it made me tired.

  Whatever. I was just going to live in the moment. Carpe diem and shit.

  “Well,” she said, shifting on the bed. “I think Romeo and Juliet is about staying true to the one you love, despite the obstacles.”

  “Like threat of death?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Good thing we don’t have that.” I chuckled but she didn’t.

  “Some people do.”

  “What?”

  “People fear for their lives when they come out. They lose their families, their homes, sometimes their jobs. Especially in other countries. It can be dangerous.”

  “Yet you want to come out in English class?”

  Her gaze dropped. I regretted pointing that out. She looked torn, and I knew what torn felt like. I put my hand on her knee. “Let’s not use English class to make a political statement. That’s what college is for, right?”

  She gave a half-hearted chuckle.

  A door slammed downstairs and I jumped, jerking my hand off of her knee.

  Liv looked at her bedroom door then back at me. “That’s my mom.” After placing her book on the bed, she stood up. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.”

  I couldn’t make myself move. That icky feeling of guilt, like we were doing something wrong, nudged at me. “Does she know...”

  “Yes. I tell her everything.”

  “Cool. What about your dad?”

  Her mood deflated. “That’s more complicated. Hopefully, he’ll work late tonight. But just in case, don’t be obvious about us, okay?”

  I raised my brows. “Am I ever?”

  “You flirted in Biology class.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me from the bed. “You’re getting braver.”

  “I did not!”

  “You did. You were giving me eyes all day.” She winked.

  “Shut up.” I chuckled. But there was some truth there. “I don’t like hiding us. It feels wrong. But so does being out so... I don’t know.”

  She sighed heavily and made for the door. “Welcome to my world.”

  Chapter 10

  Liv’s mom reminded me of caricature from a sitcom. Cast in one, she’d be the loud-mouth hairdresser with a wild wardrobe and big hair. Not ironically, she was a hairdresser. But her hair was styled in long dark curls, reminding me of a mermaid. Her lipstick had worn off but you could tell it’d been there most of the day – bright red, of course. She wore leopard print pants and heels that made me wonder if her toes were bleeding.

  Linda popped a frozen pizza in the oven – after convincing me to stay for dinner – then sat with us in the living room. I was perched carefully on one side of the red couch (which matched the remnants of Linda’s lipstick) before Liv plopped down almost on top of me.

  “Umph,” I said then tried to scoot away, feeling awkward with her mom there.

  But Liv just slung her arm around my shoulders.

  Her mom smiled as she watched us. A genuine smile as if she were happy Liv had her arm around a girl, as if she loved that she was a lesbian. I had trouble containing my shock.

  Linda laughed. “What’s the matter, Audrey? You look so tense.”

  “It’s weird. That you know and don’t care.”

  “I care very much. I want Liv to be happy. If that means having a girlfriend then I’m happy too.” As a second thought she put up a finger and added, “A girlfriend who treats her well, of course.”

  I didn’t know what to say because hearing me referred to as a girlfriend of a girl was still strange. But when I thought of it in context to Liv, it always made me grin because it meant Liv liked me.

  “You’re not out to your parents?” she asked, making me guess Liv hadn’t told her much about me.

  “Um.”

  Liv placed her hands over my ears and mouthed to her mom, denial.

  I shrugged her off, scowling. “I’m not in denial. I just...don’t know yet.”

  Linda smacked her daughter’s knee playfully and scolded, “Don’t pressure the girl. Not everyone can be as certain and confident as you. Just because you knew right away, doesn’t mean it works that way for everyone.”

  “I know.” Liv sighed. “I guess I just wish someone was in it with me. Since we left Portland, Audrey is all I have.”

  I turned to her. “So I’m a last resort because I’m slightly more open-minded than everyone else?”

  “You know that’s not what I mean.” Smiling, she grazed her finger across my forehead, giving me a sweet, dreamy look. “I like who you are as a person too. You have a beautiful soul.”

  She had no idea how ironic that was. I let out a humorless chuckle. “I have a damned soul.”

  Linda gave me a perplexed look.

  “She thinks she’s going to hell,” Liv explained. “She’s been indoctrinated her whole life.”

  Her mom nodded in understanding. “That’s hard. Nobody can force you to believe in something you don’t want to. Not even Liv, no matter how pushy she is.” She sent her daughter a pointed look. “But it’s hard to fight back against what you’ve been taught your whole life. I had to go through it too.”

  I creased my brow. “You’re a lesbian too?”

  She laughed. “No. But my parents had certain expectations of me. None of them had to do with becoming a hairdresser and marrying a man who was married to the army. But I had to decide that I was going to live my own life, for myself. Not for them. As parents, we tend to think our children are extensions of ourselves. But that’s not true. Some parents have a hard time letting go of that. Letting their kids be who they are, instead of who they want them to be. And some kids never get the chance to discover it because they’re too busy trying to please their parents.”

  That sounded like me in some ways. I mean, my parents encouraged independent thought. They didn’t want a robot. They just wanted me to independently choose to be like them.

  It was silent for a long moment. I felt like it was my turn to talk but I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t admit I was a lesbian in the closet because I wasn’t. I liked boys. But admitting I was anything other than straight was terrifying. It changed too much about me. And what the hell did it mean for my future?

  It reminded me of a quote from Inferno. In the middle of the journal of our life I found myself within a dark woods where the straight way was lost.

  The straight way was definitely lost for me.

  “Speaking of hair,” Linda said, looking at Liv. “Your roots are growing in. We should fix that this weekend. You want to go red still? Or something wild like blue again?”

  Blue? My brows shot up.

  Liv looked at me. “What do you like, Audrey?”

  I smiled. “I like red.”

  She grinned back. “Red it is.”

  “You guys have it bad for each other,” Linda said, chuckling.

  To my right, the front door opened and a man walked in. Between the fatigues and buzz cut hair and height and the way he carried himself, it intimidated the hell out of me, and he hadn’t even uttered a word yet.

  Then he looked at me. His eyes narrowed as his gaze darted back and forth between me and Liv. She scooted away from me. The mood deflated. Everyone’s face went blank.

  He smiled slightly at Linda then turned to the stairs and disappeared.

  Liv sighed. “That’s my dad.”

  Honestly, I hoped I’d never have to see him again. He was terrifying.

  “Ooh!” Linda jumped up. �
�The pizza!”

  She ran to the kitchen, calling up the stairs as she went. “Dinner’s ready, Mike.”

  Liv and I drifted to the kitchen table. Linda pulled out the pizza, which looked almost burned. She gave me an apologetic smile. “I’m not such a good cook. Liv’s dad is great at BBQ though.” After checking around the corner, I assumed for her husband, she whispered to Liv, “Don’t tell your dad you had Audrey alone in your room.”

  She snorted. “When would I tell him? He never talks to me.”

  Though Liv looked like she’d brushed it off easily, I could tell, deep down inside, it bothered her.

  Mike pounded down the stairs a few minutes later and we all sat at the kitchen table, eating our nearly-charred pizza silently.

  Then Linda started conversation by pointing me out. “Mike, this is Liv’s friend from school, Audrey.”

  I must’ve looked like a deer in headlights when he set his gaze on me. “Hi,” I managed to say nervously.

  He didn’t answer.

  Linda cleared her throat. “She and Liv are lab partners in Biology, right Liv?”

  “Yes and I’m so glad to have her and not get sacked with some idiot, especially after starting the school year late. Her other partner had mono. He’s back now but got paired up with someone else after we begged Mr. Marks to let us work together. He said yes because we were doing so great with our project.” She kept rambling as if he were attentively listening.

  I was amazed. I didn’t think I’d ever heard her talk so much or so fast.

  “But you should see our so-called science experiment. It’s the dumbest thing in the world. Get this.” She looked at them starkly. “We have to find out if plants need water and sunlight. How dumb is that? At least they could make it interesting, you know? It’s supposed to be an honor’s class. Most of the kids are slackers. I don’t even know how they got in. It’s not like Portland at all –”

  “Does your car need an oil change?”

  My mouth dropped open. It was the first thing he’d said since he’d gotten home.

  Liv paused then said, happily, “I can do it.”

  “I’ll do it.” He took a swig out of a can of beer.

  “Actually, I’m taking auto shop in school so I learned –”

  “I said I’ll do it, Olivia,” he snapped.

  Olivia? There was electricity in the air, but not the good kind. The kind that felt like someone was about to combust. I sat frozen in my chair, suddenly not hungry. I looked at Liv.

  Her face turned bright red and her fists clenched on the table. I wanted to pull her away from this pain, bring her upstairs and kiss away that angry, hurt look, but I didn’t dare touch her, not even to hold her hand.

  “I go by Liv now,” she said. “I’ve told you that.”

  “You’re my daughter, I named you, and I’ll damned well call you what I please.”

  In one swift movement, she pushed her chair back. The sound echoed in the quiet room, making me almost jump out of my seat. “Let’s go,” she said.

  Linda sighed loudly then gave her husband a sharp look. “Why do you have to ruin a perfectly good dinner?”

  The air turned crisp with tension. Without wasting another second, I left my half-eaten pizza and followed Liv upstairs. Her parents arguing faded when we shut the door to her bedroom.

  Liv plopped down on the bed.

  I wasn’t sure what to do. Did she need space? Did she need a hug? I desperately wanted to hold her, to tell her everything would be okay, but I wasn’t sure it would be.

  Finally, she looked up and gave me lopsided grin. “Well, at least he acknowledged he has a daughter.”

  The fake smile didn’t fool me. I walked to the bed and sat down next to her. “I’m sorry.” It was all I could think of to say. And I’d thought my parents had issues.

  She shrugged. “We used to be close. But then I think he figured it out. After that he just...stopped liking me.”

  “That’s awful.”

  “My mom thinks he’ll come around. She’s crazy.”

  I put my hand on her knee. She grabbed it and locked our fingers together.

  “Oh well. It is what it is.” And then it was gone. The pain wiped away. Back to herself, smiling, almost sincerely.

  How long had she perfected that ability? I could never turn off my emotions like that. I wore them too close to the surface.

  “How are you not afraid?” I asked. “Of being out to your dad and the school and...everyone?”

  “Oh I am.”

  “You are?”

  “Of course. I only fake being brave.”

  That explained the insecurity that peeked through and the overconfidence she wore, at times, to hide it. She was wrong though. She was the bravest person I’d ever met.

  “But don’t let me influence you,” she said. “You should stay in the closet about...well, whatever you are. For your own sake. Not everyone should be judged and scrutinized like I am. Sometimes it’s cozier in the closet.”

  In the dark woods where the straight way was lost...

  “It wouldn’t hurt your feelings?” I asked. The seed had already been planted, though. The wheels were turning – hiding, not hiding, being brave, being like Liv who I admired and maybe even loved.

  “No. I want what’s best for you. Sometimes that means keeping it easy.”

  “Life is never easy.” It’d been easier though. Before...

  “It was for you.” She echoed my thoughts. “Before I complicated things.” Her brow furrowed into a conflicted look that told me she was thinking too hard.

  To distract her, I gave her a flirty smile. “You’re a good complication.”

  Her chin lifted and she smirked. “Oh yeah? Good how?”

  “You make me feel good,” I answered, breathing heavily now because I was thinking dirty thoughts.

  She caught on. Her eyelids drooped into a lustful look. She inched closer. “Like when I kiss you?”

  I nodded.

  Then we kissed. We kissed until it was time for me to go home. And when I walked in the door to my house, my lips still tingling, my head foggy, and wearing a grin I couldn’t wipe away, I didn’t feel lost at all.

  ***

  Miss Troy set up Romeo and Juliet – the 90’s version with Leonardo DiCaprio – on the TV on Friday after we’d finished our reports as a reward. She even pushed the desks out of the way, stole beanbag chairs from the library, and let us bring pillows from home for the movie. Liv and I sat in the back, whispering about which characters we thought were hot.

  She made a face when I said I liked Mercutio, which gave me the giggles. We moved closer and closer together as the movie played. Halfway through, our legs were touching and we were practically on top of each other. She smelled like herself – clean and sexy – and I couldn’t resist leaning over and resting my head on her shoulder.

  I kept my eyes glued to the screen but I knew she was surprised. Her body tensed and I could feel her move her head to check if anyone could see. But everyone was facing forward, absorbed in the movie. I wasn’t sure I cared if they could see anyway. I was absorbed in Liv – completely and utterly smitten.

  After a whole minute, her body relaxed.

  My attention drifted in and out of the movie, but mostly stayed on Liv. I was hyperaware of her – of us. Of the statement we were making. If someone turned around, that would be it. It would only take a couple hours before the school knew. My stomach tightened with anxiety. Why was I doing this?

  I had no answers. I only knew in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to be with Liv – to touch her, to claim her, to love her. Damn the consequences. It felt right laying my head on her shoulder. It felt normal and perfect to be this close, our bodies touching, her warm breath on my forehead. I’d never felt this kind of intimacy before. The kind that made you want to hug a person until they couldn’t breathe and never let go, never stop touching them, never lose sight of them, forever. It was intense and scary and wonderful.
I concentrated on the wonderful part.

  When the movie ended and the lights turned on, and the rest of the class stretched and turned around, I didn’t move.

  When they stared, and Liv’s body went stiff, I still didn’t move.

  It wasn’t until she nudged me that I got up and picked up my bag then walked out as if nothing had happened.

  Damn the consequences.

  Chapter 11

  “What the hell was that?” Liv yelled, as soon as we’d reached the parking lot after school.

  One good thing about having a girlfriend with a car – no more bus.

  But now she was looking at me with such fire in her eyes, I could’ve withered on the spot. English had been our last period so we’d been spared any rumors for today. I expected that would change tomorrow.

  “What?”

  “You totally just outed yourself!”

  Why was she so upset? She’d outed herself the first day of school. Did she not want to be seen with me or something? “So? You don’t care about being outed. Neither do I.”

  Sighing heavily, she opened her car door then threw out a hand toward the passenger seat. “Get inside before we’re chased with pitchforks and torches!”

  I looked around the lot. “I don’t see anyone.” But I slipped into the car anyway.

  Liv banged her head on the steering wheel, making sounds of frustration.

  “I don’t understand why you’re so upset. I thought this was what you wanted. Are you embarrassed of me or something?” Hurt crept in, making my voice crack. Was there something wrong with me? Was I not good enough for a lesbian to be seen with? Was I too straight?

  “No, no,” she answered. “It’s nothing like that. I wanted you to be honest with yourself about who you are. Not with the whole school.”

  “But why?”

  She shook her head. “You don’t understand. You have a chance to be normal. Not alienated. Not protested by religious groups. Not in the middle of a political battle. And you just threw it all away!”