Almost Straight Read online

  “Earth to Audrey,” my mom said while my brother waved a hand in front of my face. “What’s wrong with you?”

  I snapped to attention. “Just tired.” Placing my hands on the table in a gesture of determination, I told her, “I’m ready.”

  She looked at me in question and said, slowly, “Ooookay. Do you want me to pack you a sandwich or something, in case you get hungry later?”

  I shook my head, anxious to get this over with. The fact that I was seeking answers outweighed the guilty feeling that I’d officially agreed to be Liv’s girlfriend. God wouldn’t strike me dead for trying to figure things out, would He? Maybe He’d believe I was trying to “save” Liv. Maybe I’d convince myself it was true.

  Who was I kidding? I liked Liv for being Liv – not as a project to win me a bigger spot in heaven or something. If only she had a penis. None of this would be a problem. One missing body part made all the difference in the world.

  “Where’s Grayson been lately?” my mom asked.

  Crap. I’d completely forgotten to tell her about him. “Oh. We broke up.”

  She frowned. “I didn’t know that.”

  “It’s not a big deal. We didn’t really have much in common.”

  “That’s too bad. He seemed like a nice boy. Cute, too.”

  I cringed. “Mom!”

  She sighed then rose from the table. “Well, now you have more time to look at colleges. Next year you’ll have to start applying, you know. Lots of essay writing.”

  “I know,” I grumbled. Was I the only junior not looking forward to it? Gabby had already chosen a school upstate and had been begging me to apply with her, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay in Indiana. The world was a big place and I’d only seen a tiny fraction of it. Anyway, I doubted Liv would stay here, and maybe I wanted to follow her somewhere more exciting.

  I gave my head a shake. Ugh. I had to stop thinking that way. There was no future with Liv. This relationship (or whatever you called it) was an experiment. Short-term. No commitment. After this year, I had to get serious about my life. Whatever that meant. I just wished I felt serious about it.

  Chapter 9

  A pit formed in my stomach when we pulled up to church. But I had a plan. And the plan gave me courage. As I’d suspected, Pastor Dan was in his office before group started. I knocked softly and he smiled from behind his desk then waved me in.

  My throat was tight but I pushed forward and asked, “Can I talk to you a minute?”

  “Sure thing. What’s up?”

  “It’s about...witnessing.” Yeah, that sounded good. “To non-believers.”

  “Great topic.”

  “Yeah. So...” I dug my toe into the carpet. “I was wondering... Why does God say it’s wrong when two girls or two guys love each other? I mean, doesn’t God like love? What could be wrong about it if the people are good and nice and everything?”

  He put down the pen he’d been writing with and motioned to the chair in front of the desk. “Have a seat.”

  I did, feeling a little like I was in trouble. But my legs were jelly so the chair was welcome. Pastor Dan’s office was a cross between the guidance counselor’s office at school and the library. A whole wall of shelves sat behind the desk, filled with books about God. The temperature was always ten degrees warmer in his office than the hallway, like he was trying to sweat the truth out of you or something. And it always smelled like burnt paper. Maybe they performed book burnings here when the students left for the night. Harry Potter and Twilight and His Dark Materials. They’d probably burn half the stuff I read.

  “That’s a big question, Audrey.”

  I gulped. “Well, it’s just... Music and... Pop culture...”

  “Ah.” He nodded. “Yes. It’s all around us, isn’t it?”

  So predictable. All you had to say were the few magic words and these people attacked like piranhas.

  “Well, the Bible tells us clearly that homosexuality is a sin. ‘If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death.’”

  The blood drained from my face. “Death?”

  He smiled. “Of course, we don’t do that anymore.”

  A loud ringing started in my ears. I swallowed hard and forced myself to continue. “So having feelings for someone is bad? What if you can’t help it? What if that’s how you were born? You know, science proved –”

  “Feelings aren’t bad, per se. We all have sinful feelings. Like, when I’m trying to stay on a diet and I see a piece of chocolate cake, I might feel gluttonous.”

  Gluttonous? Was that actually a thing?

  “But I don’t eat the cake because I know it would be bad for my health. So having feelings for someone of your own gender isn’t necessarily a sin, but acting on it is.”

  He just compared two people being in love to wanting a freakin’ piece of cake. I blinked, wondering what brought on the momentary lapse of judgment that compelled me to come to a man wearing a Team Jesus shirt for advice. I blamed the pork chop.

  His head cocked to the side. “Are you talking about yourself, Audrey?”

  “What? No!” I jumped up. “No. A friend at school.”

  “It’s true,” someone said from the doorway.

  I turned toward Gabby, never so relieved to hear her interrupt a conversation.

  “I’m glad you decided to come to Pastor Dan,” she said to me. Walking into the office, she added, “We’re trying to get our friend to come with us, but she’s...reluctant.”

  “I think that’s a wonderful idea.” He grinned. “You two keep working on it. God still performs miracles you know.”

  Well miracle this God... If you don’t approve of me and Liv, make my feelings go away. Make me not want to eat the cake.

  With a nervous laugh, I backed toward the door then made a quick escape. For the rest of the night, I felt Pastor Dan watching me, analyzing my every move. Could he read the guilt on my face? Did God tell him what I’d done?

  Maybe it was all in my head.

  On the way out, I checked with Gabby. “Did Pastor Dan seem...different to you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. Was he looking at us weird?”

  She shrugged. “Not that I noticed. If he was, it’s probably because he really wants us to bring Liv to church. We need to seriously try to convince her. Will you, Audrey? You’re closest to her. Will you please try to get her to come?”

  We stepped out of the church building, which made me feel okay about lying to her. “Sure. I’ll keep trying.”

  ***

  Liv’s mom worked until five so that gave us plenty of private time at her house. She’d been right about her room. It was stark and cold. No decorations. It was tidy in a creepy way – almost military. The gray walls didn’t match Liv’s vivacious personality – even though her wardrobe consisted of mostly grays and blacks. When I’d questioned her about her simple, but dark style, she’d said it was the closest she could get to being a tomboy without being obvious about it. Then she muttered something about her dad being a hard-ass.

  We were supposed to be working on our English papers. We had to write an essay on the themes in Romeo and Juliet.

  Instead, we’d spent a good part of the afternoon goofing around and listening to music. We’d fought over what albums to play – Liv liked indie rock and I liked pop music – but Liv had said it was her house, therefore her rules. I’d argued back that I was the guest therefore it was polite to accommodate me. She’d rolled her eyes and conceded.

  Determined to make her like popular music, I played my current favorite song on her laptop and danced across her room, lip-synching.

  She watched me with a lopsided grin.

  “Come on,” I urged her. “Dance with me.”

  “Not to that shit.”

  I ignored her and kept dancing, making each move more and more suggestive as I went.

  She shook
her head, chuckling. “Cut that out. You’re making me want you.”

  Smirking, I kept going. “Oh really? Why’s that?”

  “You’re cute when you dance.” She stood up from the bed. “And sexy.” Stalking toward me, her eyes narrowed then darkened.

  I knew that look. Giggling, I danced out of her reach.

  “Come here, girly.” She crooked a finger.

  Playing hard to get was fun with Liv because the more frustrated she got, the more she gave me that heated look of desire I loved. When she got close enough, I grabbed her hand and spun her around.

  She laughed then landed back on the bed. The song ended and I grinned at her, panting.

  “Is that how you’re going to dance at prom?” she said.

  My face fell. Way to kill the mood. I didn’t want to think about prom. I’d been dreaming about going since I started high school but now I couldn’t imagine going with anyone but Liv. There were two problems with that. One, Liv despised school functions like prom. And two, everyone would know I was...whatever I was.

  “What’s that look for?” she asked.

  “I don’t want to think about prom.”

  “You can go with a guy. I won’t be offended.”

  I snorted. That was a big, fat disaster waiting to happen. Sure she wouldn’t be offended that I was primping to look my best for the biggest event of the year with someone else while she sat at home and did...whatever people who didn’t go to prom did. Wishful thinking.

  But prom was far away. Like, really, really far away. In the life of a teenage girl, five months was forever. Who knew what would happen between Liv and me before then?

  My gaze lifted from the floor to her face. A piece of hair fell over one eye as she stared down at her fumbling hands. I knew that look too. I knew all her looks. Between bouts of over-confidence, small hints of vulnerability peeked through. Like now. She wanted not to care if I went to prom with a guy, but she did care. Deeply.

  Unable to resist, I walked to the bed. She scooted over to make room then opened her arms. I slid in beside her, and she wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into her body. The world always seemed righter here, in the cocoon of her embrace.

  She kissed the side of my head. “Let’s not worry about it now, okay?”

  I nodded.

  We stared at the ceiling a while, thinking our own quiet thoughts. Liv trailed her finger up and down my arm, making goose bumps rise on my skin. She was always doing that – touching me in small ways whenever she could. She’d said she loved the feel of my skin. It was like she couldn’t get enough of me. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside – more than Grayson had, and more than Josh had before that.

  “When did you know?” I blurted, surprising myself.

  She shrugged, knowing what I’d meant without me having to spell it out. “Always, I guess.”

  “How?” Maybe there was a secret to knowing for sure. A saliva test or questionnaire or something.

  After a drawn-out sigh, she looked at me and said, “Well, while girls were mooning over boys, I was staring at their necks and picturing kissing them.”

  “Their necks?”

  She chuckled. “Mmhmm.” Her finger moved from my arm to my collarbone and made a line across it.

  I shivered.

  “It’s one of my favorite places.” Her breath tickled my ear as she talked. “So soft and vulnerable. And pretty. Especially yours.” Two fingers moved across my throat then to my jaw line and back across.

  I swallowed hard, frozen in place.

  “Such an elegant neck.” She kissed just behind my ear and I thought I’d melt into the mattress and disappear.

  “Maybe...” I cleared my raspy throat. “Maybe I should be a neck model.”

  Her soft laugh blew air onto my ear, making my eyes roll back in my head. Then she backed away.

  When I pouted up at her, she merely smiled and brushed my hair from my face.

  “When did you know you were straight?” she asked.

  “That’s a weird question.”

  She arched a brow. “Why? You asked me first.”

  “It was just assumed I guess.” I thought back to my first boy crush. Had it been first grade? Did that even count? There were still things I liked about guys. The thickness of their forearms that made them seem strong and protective. That was probably DNA from the Neanderthal times talking. Muscles, especially biceps, but only if their muscles didn’t replace their brains. I liked how certain guys smelled – rugged and sexy. And I liked that it felt like they could hold you in their arms all night and you’d never be cold. “It wasn’t like an epiphany or anything.”

  Her expression turned impish. “When did you know you were bi?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Ha ha. Very funny.”

  “Still not ready to say it?”

  “Shut up. I’m not bi.” It sounded grumbly, even to me.

  “That’s right.” She shifted her body so she faced me fully then gave me a saucy look. “All girls let their lesbian friends feel them up while they study.”

  Without warning, I jumped up and started tickling her. Laughing, she grabbed at my hands to stop me. But being on top of her gave me the upper hand. A few minutes of fierce wrestling ended up with us switched and her straddling my hips.

  She pinned my wrists down on the bed. “Say you’re bi. Say it!”

  I tried to buck her off but she was stronger.

  Sighing, she adjusted her body to hold me tighter. “Say you’re bi for me then.”

  “Hmm.” I stilled and pretended to think. “But what if I’m not? What if I find another girl who’s hotter and lets me win when we wrestle?”

  She gasped. “As if there’s someone hotter than me!”

  I descended into laughter as she kissed me all over my face.

  “Tell me what I want to hear, girly, or I’ll...”

  “What?” I said, panting and laughing. “Torture me to death with kisses?”

  “Yup.” She kissed my nose. “I’ll slobber all over you.”

  “Okay, okay!” I squealed. “Yuck! I’m bi for you, baby. Is that what you want to hear?”

  Abruptly, she stopped and leaned over me, grinning madly, her hair a wild mess. And in that moment, I thought maybe, just maybe, this was what it felt like to love someone.

  I gave my head a shake. That was too much, too soon. And I wasn’t bi. If I was, I’d have felt it sooner, like she did as a lesbian. But I’d only been attracted to boys. At least, I thought so. Finding one girl attractive didn’t make a person bi. One person couldn’t change your sexuality. It just...didn’t work that way. I was pretty positive science was on my side. Maybe I’d Google it later to double check.

  “We should probably do our paper,” I whispered.

  “Yeah.” She released me then sat back. “Let’s get to work.”

  With the mood sobered, we sat on opposite ends of the bed, pens and notebooks in hand. For a few minutes, I stared at the cover of the book. I was a romantic at heart but I balanced it with practicality. The whole throwing your life away in a moment of despair seemed stupid. Out of the billions of people on earth, there had to be more than one a person could fall in love with.

  “Ugh. Why are these assignments so vague?” She threw her hands up in the air. “I swear teachers just make this shit up on the spot. ‘Describe in your own words, the themes from Romeo and Juliet.’ What does that even mean?”

  I shrugged. “Well, it’s about a forbidden love that ends in tragedy. And how families are torn apart for stupid reasons.”

  She snorted. “Sounds familiar.”

  “They weren’t even real reasons. They were perceived.”

  “You know what we should do?” She got a funny look in her eye.

  “What?”

  “We should compare this to LGBTQ issues.”

  “I don’t know.” I grimaced. “Around here, that’s asking for trouble.”

  “Imagine Romeo and Juliet as Romina and Juliet. And t
he Capulets and the Montagues are feuding parents – each one blaming the other for their daughter being gay.”

  I gave her a skeptical look. “I don’t think that works. Besides, this is an oral report. You’d totally be outing yourself.”

  She lifted a shoulder. “So?”

  “You don’t care what people think?”

  She gave me a duh look then said, “I wear a rainbow patch on my bag. There are already whispers. On that note, I can tell you we’re not the only gay people in school. I’ve gotten more than few winks and flirty smiles. In this place it’s just in the waaay back of the closet. Like, skeleton territory.”

  My focus landed on one sentence. “I’m not gay.”

  She rolled her eyes. “The spectrum of sexual perversion then.”

  “Stop.” With a pained sound, I squeezed my eyes shut. Not now. I couldn’t handle this now. The word perverted hit too close to home. It’d been tossed around my whole life, causing shame and fear for anything out of the ordinary. Ugh. And here I thought I was over my crisis.

  Her brow creased. “Do you believe that? That we’re perverted?”

  When I didn’t answer right away, her eyes widened. She was about to tell me off, but it really wasn’t fair. I mean, my entire basis of belief – sixteen years of training – had been turned upside down. I couldn’t just...reset my brain. Not that fast and not that easily. “I don’t know what I believe.”

  Frowning, she studied me until I dropped my gaze, unable to look in her eyes, to see the pain of betrayal there. God, this was hard. If I hadn’t met her, I’d be happily going about my day, completely oblivious to this other side of me. If there even was another side of me. If I’d never met Liv, would another girl come around? Would I be forced through this process anyway? Maybe Liv was right – we were born with a certain amount of brain flexibility. Those of us who could break away from conventional thinking could fall in love with any gender. Maybe it wasn’t about being bisexual, gay, or straight – maybe it all came down to brain plasticity.