Almost Straight Read online

It so wasn’t fair.

  ***

  “You should invite Liv to church,” my mom said as she drove me and Ben to youth group.

  Oh god, not her too.

  “Yeah,” I answered, non-committal. I was having enough trouble bringing myself to enter the building – adding my girlfriend to the torture was a special kind of stupidity.

  She looked at me through the rearview mirror. Guilt made me avert my eyes. “You invite Taylor. Why not Liv? You two seem inseparable nowadays.”

  “Um.”

  Ben gave me a strange look. Like he knew I was hiding something.

  “I’ll ask her. It’s just, her parents are kind of strict.”

  “They don’t seem like it. She comes and goes whenever she wants.”

  “Well, just about some things. I think her grandparents are Jewish or something.” I hated lying. Would it be like this forever? Was it worth it to spill the truth just to avoid this suffocating guilt? “Anyway, I’ll ask her.”

  “Maybe Gabby could help you convince her.” She pulled into the parking lot. “Tell her how much fun it is.”

  I almost choked on a laugh. Instead, I unclipped my seat belt and got ready to bolt. Ben chuckled and I slid him a knowing smile. Neither of us would ever describe church as fun.

  “You could invite her to the ski retreat,” she said.

  I froze. I’d forgotten about that. Was it coming up so soon? “Actually, I wasn’t going to go this year.”

  After stopping the car at the path to the entrance, she turned in the seat and frowned. “Your dad and I already made plans that weekend.”

  “I can stay at Liv’s house.”

  It actually looked like she considered it a moment before she shook her head. “I don’t think so. I’d rather know you’re with people I know and trust.”

  “Ugh. Mom! Gabby’s on vacation with her family that weekend. I don’t want to go alone!”

  “Well, the answer is clear then,” she said, smiling. “Bring Liv with you.”

  Yeah right. But there was no use arguing. Not right now anyway. Maybe I could win my dad over later. He usually sided with my mom, but sometimes I could convince him that I needed more independence. With a sigh, I opened the car door.

  Ben and I hopped out and my mom drove off. Instead of running ahead, Ben turned to me and said, “I heard something about your friend yesterday.”

  Panic hit. I glanced around us then pulled him aside. “What are you talking about? What do you know?”

  His brow creased as he looked down at my hand wrapped around his arm. He yanked it away. “I heard she’s...like...gay and stuff.”

  I waited, barely breathing, for him to say more.

  “What’s wrong with you?” he asked, grimacing.

  “That’s it? You heard she’s gay and that’s it?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  I exhaled loudly then took a step back. Holy Jesus, that was close. Instead of freaking out, now I was vaguely annoyed. Where did the realm of rumors end? “Where did you hear that? You don’t even go to our school.”

  He shrugged. “My friends have siblings that go there.”

  Good point. I’d have to be careful. If Ben found out... Well, I didn’t know where his allegiance would lie. We used to be close – back when you could play outside for hours with a stick and a rope. Now that we’d gotten older, we’d drifted apart, each going about our own business. At least we didn’t fight, which was more than I could say for Gabby and her brothers.

  Looking him over, I tested the waters. “So...what do you think about that? About someone being gay?”

  He stared at the ground for a moment. His hair was longer than usual. Was he growing it out? He used to spike it up like a mohawk, though our mom never let him grow it too long. It had looked adorable. Now it was styled more maturely. And he seemed older. Then I had one of those awww moments. My baby brother was growing up.

  “I don’t really care,” he finally said. “I mean, I know we’re supposed to not approve or whatever but I don’t really care who other people like.”

  I nodded.

  His eyes went wide and he rushed to add, “But I’m not... I mean, I don’t like guys or anything!”

  “It’s okay.” I chuckled. “I know what you mean. Just...try not to judge people, okay? And if you hear anything else about Liv, keep it to yourself. It’s not right to spread rumors. Or even believe them.”

  Band music started up, loud enough to hear from behind the doors, signaling group was starting.

  Ben turned toward the door then stopped. “You coming?”

  I gave him a shaky smile. “Sure. I’ll be right there.” Another lie. It was almost second nature now. Another reason not to walk through those doors. I was surprised I hadn’t been struck by lightning yet.

  My gaze went to the cross-shaped steeple. The sight was familiar. I’d stood here thousands of times throughout my life, looking up at the height. Each time, it seemed smaller and not quite as magnificent. But then, the cross Jesus had died on wasn’t magnificent either. I thought about Him dying for my sins, like I’d been taught. Bloody, nailed to the cross, suffering because He loved me. Was it even real? Or was it a story meant to keep people in line?

  He died so I’d be forgiven. Forgiven for being not straight? Or was that not covered under the sacrificial lamb thing?

  I couldn’t decide if I was grateful or not. Being saved from the lake of fire used to mean everything, but now...

  The conditions were confusing and I didn’t understand the rules. What if I screwed up? What if I had it all wrong? The cross used to represent solace and peace. And maybe a little sanctimonious pride, but now it only felt like a cruel abuse of power.

  This salvation wasn’t free, and it wasn’t a gift. It came with conditions and guilt and doubt. If God was love, why would how I felt about Liv be bad? Who were we hurting? And why would God create someone born to sin? That’d be like making them pre-destined to go to hell. Who would do that? Not someone who claimed to love me, that was for sure. Not someone who suffered and died for my so-called sins.

  Or maybe this was all sacrilege, everyone else had it right, and I was possessed by the devil. I had no fucking idea anymore.

  Defeated, I crouched down on the ground.

  The outdoor lights turned on and the cross lit up like a beacon for the lost. I was lost alright. Staring up at it, I begged for answers.

  “Why?” I whispered then checked around for witnesses. Everyone was inside already. “Why are you tormenting me? Are you even real?”

  I felt like throwing rocks or something, but resisted. No need to be dramatic. Instead, I sat on the curb. Would anybody know if I stayed here the whole time? Would anybody care?

  Gabby would. I was surprised she wasn’t looking for me already.

  Bent over, chin resting on one hand, I poked at some pebbles on the ground. I’d been avoiding God since I’d first kissed Liv, but I’d at least been able to walk into the building before now.

  Today felt different. Maybe I’d been able to brush things off as a phase before, but a few days ago I’d admitted I was the B word. Or maybe the L word. I didn’t even know anymore. For ease of labeling I’d just call it “not straight.”

  I’m not straight.

  It felt like a revelation to say it, even inside my head. But why did it matter anyway? I’d kissed a girl, no matter what I called it. It’d happened. And I’d probably do it again.

  I contemplated a walk to the graveyard but it was a little too dark for comfort. Should I just go in and suck it up? I hugged my jacket closer. The cold air was starting to make its way through my coat, chilling my bones.

  I took out my phone and clicked on the little Bible icon. My mom had insisted I install the Bible app when she’d bought me the phone a little over a year ago. This was the first time I’d used it. I typed into the search bar, “gay.”

  A list of references came up but they were mostly about being happy – the other meaning of the word. I deleted
“gay” and typed “homosexual.”

  Another list appeared. I browsed the words as I scrolled down. There weren’t many passages about it, but they all contained fatalistic words like Pastor Dan had mentioned. Abomination. Evil. Put to death.

  I got that nauseous feeling again. Was I wrong or was the Bible wrong? Could it be true that millions of people calling themselves Christians were entirely misled? Could a group that large be fooled for so long?

  It’d happened before. Nazi Germany. Fundamentalist Islam. Was this any different? Less violent maybe, but not really. Was I onto something big or just being stupid? If I’d been brainwashed by religion then so had my parents, and my brother, and Gabby. I mean, was it so wrong for them to believe what they did? Mostly, it made them good people. They lived by principles that made sense – being kind, not killing people, giving to charity, etc. Just this one little tiny detail screwed it all up for me. They believed I should be put to death.

  Okay, maybe that was dramatic. But they at least thought I shouldn’t love Liv. And right now, I wasn’t sure how to do that.

  Footsteps crunched behind me. I closed out the app and swung my head around.

  “There you are,” Gabby said. Then she peered around us. “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”

  Grimacing, I looked up at her.

  She seemed to read the answer on my face then she rolled her eyes and sighed. “Come on. You can’t avoid church forever. If you feel guilty, that probably means you’re doing something wrong.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “I know.” She paused, staring at the ground. Her expression turned torn, making me feel like she really did care past wanting to save my soul, as was her Christian duty. “I wish I knew what to say. I don’t think telling you to just go like boys will work.” She chuckled.

  “No.”

  “I feel helpless. We’ve always been able to fix each other’s problems. This is one I just can’t relate to.”

  “I don’t need you to fix me, Gabby.” Maybe it wasn’t me who needed to be fixed. Maybe it was the world. “I doubt there’s anything that could fix me.”

  “I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “I know.”

  I stared at the pebbles I’d been pushing around.

  “Hey, remember when we used to skip rocks between services in the creek out back?” she asked. “And we’d come into church with our tights and fancy shoes all wet and muddy and our parents would flip out?”

  I chuckled. “Yeah. You hated wearing them. You said they slowed you down when you were trying to keep up with your brothers.” I looked up at her, just now noticing her crisp white tights and fancy boots. “You used to be such a tomboy.”

  Her face crumpled. “Yeah.”

  “I wonder what happened. What changed us so much?”

  “Social pressure.”

  “I wish we could go back to when life was that simple. When we could just yank our shoes and tights off and play barefoot with everyone again. None of this boys on one side, girls on another. Girls have to look pretty and not get rumpled and dirty. Boys have to get rumpled and dirty or they’ll seem too girly. Who made up those stupid rules anyway?”

  Gabby nodded thoughtfully. “You’re right. It really isn’t fair. But can we talk about it inside? I’m freezing and they have hot chocolate.”

  Laughing, I stood up from the cold ground. “Okay. For you. ‘Cause I love you.”

  She snorted. “You love hot chocolate. Admit it.”

  Chapter 15

  The science museum was as lame as I remembered. Liv seemed to enjoy herself though, even at the displays meant for kids. I wondered if this trip was because the teachers were short on lesson plans this semester. Maybe it was as much a break for them as it was for us.

  “Lesbo,” someone muttered behind us then coughed.

  Liv rolled her eyes. “That’s the dumbest insult ever. Like, duh, I’m a lesbian. Why is it insulting to tell me what I already know?”

  I trailed slightly behind her in the narrow corridor. “It’s probably the same person who put that note on my locker.”

  She spun around, stopping me in place. “What?”

  Shit.

  “What note?”

  I forgot I hadn’t told her. And her angry gaze reminded me why. “It’s not a big deal. There was a dumb note on my locker. It wasn’t even menacing.”

  “What did it say?” she demanded. “Who put it there?”

  I tried to step around her, but she wouldn’t let me. The rest of the class was filing into the planetarium and teachers would be corralling us soon.

  “It just said something stupid about lesbians going to hell. I have no idea who put it there. It’s not like they signed it with their name and address.”

  Her jaw clenched. “When?”

  I felt like I was being interrogated. “Last week.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because of this.” I gestured at her. “I knew you’d get all pissed. There’s nothing you can do about it. You’ll say I should stop hanging out with you –”

  “You should.”

  “Which isn’t going to happen.”

  She stared at me for a long moment, her eyes a mixture of anger and sorrow. I wished I could make it disappear, make the world better, so I’d only ever see happiness in those eyes. But I couldn’t. Just like she couldn’t take away my struggles either.

  “Come on, girls,” a teacher said from the doorway.

  I smiled. “Just forget about it. I already have.”

  Her nostrils flared as she nodded, and I knew the issue wasn’t over. She was forcing it away for now, but it would just sit in her mind, festering until something triggered it then we’d have this argument again. I only hoped she’d never win.

  We walked into the planetarium and sat in the back, furthest from the door. We sunk low in our seats so when the lights went down, we could hold hands and no one would see. I stared up at the speckles overhead. The show started, narrated by a woman’s pleasant voice.

  “Do you know you can name a star after someone and have it registered?” Liv whispered.

  “Really? That’s romantic.” I smiled. “I would name one for you.”

  “What would you name it?”

  “Hmm. Liv’s Star.”

  She scoffed. “That’s so unoriginal.”

  “Well, I’d have to think about it!” I tossed her a dirty look. “Do you have something better?”

  Biting her lip, she thought for a moment. “Estrella Luminosa.” She turned her head and looked at me. “You’d be the brightest star of course.”

  Her eyes shone, and even in the darkness, I felt myself fall into them. Words tumbled through my head, trying to make their way to my mouth. Sentiments I’d never told anyone. Love so deep it almost hurt. The cliché about hearts swelling was true, as stupid as it sounded. Mine felt a million times larger, full of excitement and joy and...love. I mean, how could someone possibly describe what love felt like? Nothing sounded strong enough, important enough. Liv was everything to me. I loved her enough to do anything to spare her pain. I wanted to make her laugh, make her kiss me, make her love me back, forever.

  A lump formed in my throat. I wanted so badly to say it, but fear froze me in place. What if she didn’t say it back? What if it was too soon and I embarrassed myself? Or screwed things up between us?

  So, like a doofus, I just stared, feeling like crying and throwing up and kissing her all at the same time. I was such a chicken.

  “Anyway,” she said, breaking the spell, “most of the stars we can see from earth aren’t stars. They’re clusters of stars.”

  “When did you learn so much about stars?”

  She shrugged. “I’m kind of a science geek. I have a telescope at home and everything. It’s old though and doesn’t work very well.”

  “Oooh. So geeky. And here I thought you were cool.”

  “Did I just destroy your image of me?”

&nb
sp; “Totally.”

  “Are you gonna find a cooler lesbian to date now?”

  “No.” Because I love you. I opened my mouth, gathering my courage, pushed through the giant lump in my throat and –

  “If you guys want to avoid the rumors,” someone whispered from behind us, “you should stop making googly eyes at each other.”

  Liv and I both turned in our seats. I was surprised to see Miss Robson, my anatomy teacher from last year, behind us.

  “Don’t worry,” she added. “Your secret’s safe with me.” She winked then turned back to the show.

  Shocked and confused, I faced forward again. “That was weird.” The moment for I love yous was over. I didn’t know whether I was relieved or not.

  “Are you kidding? She’s gay, silly.”

  “She is?”

  “Duh.” Laughing, she shook her head. “You need better gaydar.”

  Yeah. My gaydar was clearly not working since it didn’t even sense me. But did this mean we had an ally with the staff? I wished she was the guidance counselor. I could seriously use some guidance. Maybe she could get us out of trouble with whatever homophobic staff wrote us up for whatever bullshit they made up.

  Then again, she was probably in hiding too. In this town, who was crazy enough not to be?

  Oh yeah. Me.

  ***

  In my bedroom, three pamphlets sat on my desk I knew I hadn’t put there. Liv slumped down onto my bed while I browsed through them. My mom must’ve left them there, hinting. College brochures.

  My stomach sunk.

  “What’s that?” Liv asked, leaning back against the headboard.

  “The schools my parents want me to apply for.”

  “Oh yeah?” She gave me a curious look. “What schools are those?”

  The covers of both featured happy students carrying books, one included a Bible. Both brochures had a token black person too. “Um. Christian colleges. Two here in Indiana. The other in Chicago.”

  She snorted. “That’ll be fun. You can sneak your girlfriend into your dorm room at night to make out. No one will ever guess.”

  “Shut up.” This was a real problem. I didn’t want to go to a religious school. I mean, I had no reason not to. I didn’t know what kind of school I wanted to go to – just that I couldn’t be who I was there. I’d have to keep pretending. And at eighteen, I wanted to be free. “Anyway, what are you doing after high school? Bootcamp?”